Relationships

bergenergy · Posted: Tue Nov 17, 2009 12:25 am Post subject: Relationships

I know that Built, Never and Happy are dealing with some questions about where to come down with a significant other.

I'm sure that everyone struggles with this.

I have posted many times before about my experiences in a 28 year marriage and won't try to generalize at this point. Except to say that it is complicated.

But go ahead and say what you think and/or feel.

Do you see yourself looking to hook up or get attached?

What are you willing to do you achieve either? Can you do both at the same time?

What type of person do you hope for?

Would it be loving or creepy to obsess over someone?

What would Shakespeare write about your passions?
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Under cherry flowers none are strangers

**happyfish** · Posted: Tue Nov 17, 2009 12:41 pm Post subject:

I am afraid to tell my boyfriend I love him. I get nervous every time I talk to him lately, because I am petrified he doesn't feel the same way. I know it is ridiculous, I just need to tell him and clear the air. I am finally starting to accept that I have absolutely no control over how he feels, so there is no point in being so scared about it. If he feels the same way, that's great! If he doesn't, someone will, someday.
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happiness is not a fish that you can catch.

mojo shivers · Posted: Tue Nov 17, 2009 2:44 pm Post subject:

Every though I've ever had about relationships can be found on my blog and in the sad thread on this forum.

Frankly, my love life been such a long and strange trip that I don't know where I stand right now about any aspect of it.
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california is a recipe for a black hole

bergenergy · Posted: Tue Nov 17, 2009 3:13 pm Post subject:

mojo shivers · Posted: Tue Nov 17, 2009 3:48 pm Post subject:

Built To Post · Posted: Tue Nov 17, 2009 9:51 pm Post subject:

I'm basically on the opposite end of what happyfish is going through. I'm afraid my girlfriend is going to tell me that she loves me. There's no question in my mind that she's going to say it soon.

I like her a whole lot, and certainly don't want to break up, but I honestly don't love her. At least not yet.

I'm very happy with where our relationship is at as it stands currently. My fear is that if I tell her that I'm not in the same place that she is, it will hurt her and she'll end things.
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"When God gave us mirrors....he had no idea...."
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**happyfish** · Posted: Wed Nov 18, 2009 11:57 am Post subject:

Built To Post · Posted: Wed Nov 18, 2009 12:31 pm Post subject:

CaraB · Posted: Wed Nov 18, 2009 1:00 pm Post subject:

mojo shivers · Posted: Wed Nov 18, 2009 1:09 pm Post subject:

bergenergy · Posted: Wed Nov 18, 2009 1:59 pm Post subject:

mojo shivers · Posted: Wed Nov 18, 2009 2:55 pm Post subject:

neverending · Posted: Wed Nov 18, 2009 11:46 pm Post subject:

i love my boyfriend very much. and i know its very cliche to say, but at one point i just knew he was the one. we already planned out our wedding. okay i did, and he just nods along. he has the engagement ring (its his grandmothers, he told her that i was the one and he wanted to give me her ring) but a new band has to be made because she had to get the ring cut off. so he sorta has it. i want him to pop the question NOW. we're going on a trip to the dominican with some friends in may (as a graduation gift to ourselves) and i think he'll do it then. i dont know if i can wait though!
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"oh no! jabba is going to choose jenny lewis for his wife. R2D2 will destroy him!"

-Emily Heart

cityclass · Cool Kid Joined: 31 May 2008 Posts: 890 Location: montreal

i need to stop forgetting how easy it is to just say things, and how it's the actions that really matter.

bergenergy · Posted: Thu Nov 19, 2009 11:35 pm Post subject:

Let me get some advice on this:

Older daughter went to prom with dude who had been chasing her. She falls for him to and they are an item going into college.

At different schools she starts to hassle him, via phone and text, about him having a life and making him feel guilty about going out, even just with the boys.

She transfers to his school and things feel OK. At the end of the year she suddenly gets a massive crush on his 'bad boy' roommate. I have no idea how far they went, but it was public enough that 'good guy' bf is humiliated.

They separate 2 years ago. Ever since then she has been trying to get him back. They are like best friends and do lot's together, but he won't commit to relationship.

He doesn't go out with other girls and doesn't try to get benefits from her.

Everyone thinks it way past time to make up his mind, but my daughter won't give up trying.

I think he does really love her, but got hurt so bad that he can't fully trust her as a bf again.

Anyone have an ideas?
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Under cherry flowers none are strangers

neverending · Posted: Fri Nov 20, 2009 12:43 am Post subject:

i would think that he is still hung up on her if he doesn't date anyone else and yet they still hang out all the time. he probably is still really hurt. its hard to say though. i would tell her to give up, because she could just end up getting hurt (i.e. when he does get a new girlfriend)
_________________
"oh no! jabba is going to choose jenny lewis for his wife. R2D2 will destroy him!"

-Emily Heart

**happyfish** · Posted: Mon Nov 23, 2009 3:30 pm Post subject:

Last night the bf and I started talking about grad school. I went to a grad school fair a couple of weeks ago and I've been toying with the idea of grad school pretty much since I graudated with my bachelor's 2 years ago. I'd never heard him mention grad school before, though. All the sudden out of the blue he starts saying he's going to apply to a bunch of grad schools internationally. Then he was like "yeah, i'd have to get a plug converter since the circuits are different. I wonder if I could bring my video games and my laptop? I guess I'd hav to put most my stuff in storage, blah blah blah." I was like, "well, you don't need to plan out those details right now, you haven't even applied or been accepted yet." I was honestly kind of annoyed and hurt. He is more concerned about being able to bring his fucking video games and computers than he is about what would happen with us. I am so over this relationship bullshit. Seriously. If we break up, I am just going to give up on the whole fucking mess.
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happiness is not a fish that you can catch.

bergenergy · Posted: Mon Nov 23, 2009 10:37 pm Post subject:

bergenergy · Posted: Mon Nov 23, 2009 10:43 pm Post subject:

**happyfish** · Posted: Tue Nov 24, 2009 12:25 pm Post subject:

Yeah, it's true. This relationship is turning me into a crazy person. Honestly, my moods have just been all over the place in general lately. Like, I looked at my post from yesterday today and was like "WTF, why was I so upset about that?" I feel totally fine and calm today. I am soooo sick of these mood swings. I think I'm just going to throw my birth control pills down the toilet, they are making me feel like I have PMS almost all month. Ugh!
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happiness is not a fish that you can catch.

neverending · Posted: Tue Nov 24, 2009 10:24 pm Post subject:

me and the boyfriend and friends are going to the dominican in may, to celebrate graduating. i was looking at hotels and saw one had free wedding ceremonys on the beach. i jokinly said we should do it. he said if i really wanted to we could. and he was serious.
_________________
"oh no! jabba is going to choose jenny lewis for his wife. R2D2 will destroy him!"

-Emily Heart

**Heather** · Posted: Wed Nov 25, 2009 6:09 pm Post subject:

thegirlinthesong · Posted: Fri Nov 27, 2009 9:31 am Post subject:

I've been studying in London for more than two months now. There are three or four other people here from my college that I'm friends with back at home and spend a lot of time with. One of them is the only guy I've ever been in love with. A couple of years ago I thought he was a fling, and right after I realized I actually wanted more, he ended things and started dating someone else. He'd been with the same girl for nearly two years until they broke up last month, while he was here and she was in the States.

I guess if pressed to define it you could call us friends, though while we were seeing a play for class a few weeks ago a girl we know asked us if we were friends back home and he started to laugh. I laughed too, because I kind of get it. We were never really friends before we started seeing each other and our relationship has been complicated at best since then.

I'm aware of him all the time. I know how far away from me he is and any part of me that's touching him is the most important part of me at that time. The frequency of contact has increased a lot since we've been here, too, and since him and his girlfriend have broken up. We go to a play together at least once a week for our class. We hang out with all the same people. And we're often drinking. Even when we were in the States, the only time we would ever touch was when his girlfriend wasn't around and he had been drinking. Nothing scandalous -- a hand resting on my head briefly, a nudge with his elbow. But we were at a friend's birthday party last week, the same night I told him about the tickets I had gotten us for an Eddie Izzard show next week, and our hands were resting on the other's knees. Our hands even linked for a while. I placed mine palm up on his knee while leaning forward to hear him better, and he placed his hand in mine. I dreamed about him -- amazing, lovely dreams -- for the next two nights.

Last night I learned that over last weekend, while I was in Berlin with a high school friend and our friends here in London were celebrating his birthday, he hooked up with a friend of ours. I asked her about when we were the only ones left at the bar. I couldn't stop myself...it's not like I'd be able to ask him about it without wanting to hurl. I think I did an okay job of remaining casual. We giggled about him being a good kisser, and she told me she could definitely see herself being interested in him if we weren't all leaving in a few weeks. I was kind of handling it. It's not like I'm mad at either of them, it just gives me a little sinking feeling.

But then she said that he told her about the first night he and I had spent time together, the second week of freshman year. I remember every detail of that night. We sat on the front steps of my dorm building for hours. Some of our new friends came and went, joining our conversation and drifting off, but just the two of us stayed there until late at night. I played my new ukulele, which I had just bought over the summer and became quickly obsessed with.

After I dropped it off back in my room, my hand snuck under the back of his shirt to feel his bare skin as we chatted with friends, and he did the same to me. When it was finally time to go inside, we stood facing each other at the bottom of the stairs and he took my face in his hands and softly kissed me. I said, giggly and red in the face but trying so hard to be the new cool college version of me, "So I'll see you tomorrow?" He breathed in the most delicious way, "Oh yeah." I promptly flounced up the steps to my building and sped to my girlfriend's room to tell her everything. And when I did see him the next day we sat on a picnic table under a tree and talked and kissed for ages. But after the last couple of years I guess I had convinced myself that the night had only mattered to me and he probably never even thought of it anymore.

I should be over this by now, according to all reason. We were only involved for six weeks or so, not even dating or exclusive, and I've been over longer relationships in a heartbeat. The problem remains that when he ended things, he had the advantage of being done. Our time was over for him. I had no such luxury. I was only just getting started -- I had just spent a long weekend in Montreal, telling a good friend from high school (the same one I went to Berlin with) all about the guy I was seeing, and realized as I described him just how hard I was falling for him. I returned ready to give a relationship a try in a way I had never wanted to before, and found him acting polite and distant. When I finally asked if I had done something wrong, he admitted he had basically started dating someone else, a girl three years older than us who had been pursuing him.

I broke down, humiliatingly. Not only did I dissolve into tears right there at a picnic table by our dorms, I spent the next several weeks horribly depressed. I slept all the time, could barely eat, drank too much. Once I laid on the floor and cried so hard I actually triggered my gag reflex and was sick. My roommate and new friends didn't know what to do. We had all only met a couple of months before. There wasn't even anyone else in our class from my state, much less my high school or anyone who knew how to get me out of my funk. That semester is a big part of why I so dislike crying, especially in front of people, now.

Anyway, I've always been tortured with thoughts that perhaps, if I had been honest about my feelings earlier, or I hadn't hooked up with as many other guys while I was determined to get the most out of the new experience of guys finding me attractive, or I had done any one thing differently, that we could have been together. I was cut off before I even got started, and had the added bonus of watching him (after he broke off his distastrous relationship with the older girl) fall in love with this girl that he dated for the next two years. A girl who, until the two of them got together, had been a very close friend of mine. Our relationship has never really recovered from it -- she's always been touchy about me spending any time with him and has even gotten unreasonably mad at me for my "flirtatious" nature when directed towards others. I don't know what to expect when I return to school in January, especially if my tenuous new friendship with him holds.

Anyway, that's me and relationships. I've spent the last two years trying to get over a guy who I never even dated and has shown no interest in me since. I had to live with the girl he dumped me for last semester when she returned to school from a medical leave and I had an empty slot in my room. The only boyfriend I've had since him turned out to be an asshole, and then gay. Although I did have an extremely satisfying dream a couple of nights ago where I screamed at him everything I've wanted to say for months (we haven't spoken a word since I broke up with him) and then may have punched him in the face.

Sorry my like only post since I've come to London is a downer. I've just been dealing with a lot of stuff when it comes to this guy and my best friend is an ocean away. I saw the thread, started a reply and HELLO NOVELLA.
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Change has a way of just walking up and punching me in the face.

... Toast

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mojo shivers · Posted: Fri Nov 27, 2009 10:01 am Post subject:

yelley79 · Posted: Mon Nov 30, 2009 8:11 pm Post subject:

I've been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half, and the entire time we've been together his ex has continued to call him. He plays the "therapist" card (because he's a therapist and says she calls for "advice"). I know she's been through a lot and has many issues...plus she now lives out in California, away from all of her family and friends. She moved out there because she's a geologist and work just wasn't happening around here. She had a boyfriend/they broke up. ANYWAYS...point is: In the last month she has probably called him 5-6 times AND sent him a PACKAGE (that included a detailed birth chart for him, several rocks from CA, and other weird things that probably meant something to him when they were a couple. I ask him what's up and he says that it's the holiday's and she's just lonely and needs someone to talk to, then he pulls the therapist card as well. He swears there is nothing going on and he doesn't have any feelings for her. Something tells me that she is about to move back to Arkansas, and things are going to get a lot more difficult.
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